Temperament Tip #3
In the last issue of Insights, I asked you to make a list of the top ten values of someone with whom you want to build a stronger, deeper relationship. I encouraged you to focus on the values and needs of this person as you make decisions about your own behaviors, and how this selfless act clearly demonstrates that you are genuinely interested in the happiness and well-being of the other person.
A few days later I received an email from a reader who said she followed my advice and that the experience was fairly positive. She also indicated that throughout her married life, she felt like she was always the giving person in the relationship and that her Green husband would never do for her what she did for him. She really hoped that he would stop doing what he was doing and take the time to develop a list of her top 10 values and try to incorporate them into his thinking patterns. She asked me if she was being too selfish in asking for a little reciprocation.
Now if her primary color was Orange, I would know that she would like me to be blunt and to-the-point, and so I probably would have said, “Yes, you are being selfish. Not to mention impatient. Give it some time and keep trying to adopt his perspective.” But because I knew her primary color was Blue, I softened my email response a bit to the following:
Blues, like yourself, are often the initiator of creative activities that are designed to enhance their interpersonal relationships. This is an admirable and well-meaning goal and certainly the world would be a better place if interpersonal relationships were stronger.
However, to a Green or a person who doesn’t understand this about Blues, it may seem like overkill; like the Blue is constantly trying to “fix something that ain’t broke.”
This often leads them to feel put-out that they have to participate in yet another touchy-feely activity, such as sitting down and watching Dr. Phil explain the secrets to a successful relationship, or taking a magazine survey to see how romantic their relationship is compared with the rest of the world, or going to a weekend marriage-enhancement retreat offered by your church.
While there is nothing wrong with these activities, and most non-Blues actually enjoy them every once in a while, for many Blues there are never enough of them. They believe that even if a relationship is great, it can always become greater.
Perhaps your husband is feeling this way. If so, give him some more time. Keep trying to put yourself in his shoes; keep looking at the world through his Green lenses. Sooner or later perceptions will change.
I didn’t mention to her that the perceptions which would change would probably be her own and not her husband’s. I firmly believe that we may only change our own behaviors and not the behaviors of other people. All we can do is give another person information, and hopefully that information is received in a way that motivates them to change.
That’s the secret to motivating other people in fact: deliver your information in such a way that it targets their values and pushes their buttons so that they feel compelled to change their behavior to get what they desire.
Knowing that each temperament has different values and different motivational buttons helps accomplish this mission faster and more efficiently. Thus, the Green husband is likely to participate in activities which he perceives will fulfill his Green needs and wants. And just what are those activities? Well, that leads me to today’s assignment.
Now that you know the colors of the person with whom you are trying to strengthen your relationship, and you’ve presented to them a list of their top 10 values, here’s your next assignment:
Create a list of 10 activities or behaviors that reflect their values AND do one activity each day in their presence.
I say this with a caution: don’t look for reciprocation, praise, or even recognition; do it quietly, pleasantly, and humbly. In fact, if they want to join your activity (after all, you are doing something they value) let them participate and take the opportunity to learn from them.
If you are not sure what to do, go back and review Bonus Insights #6, or read chapter 6 of Standing Naked in the Shower, or, better yet, ask them for some suggestions!
If you keep this up for a week, it will clearly demonstrate you are serious about doing something to enhance your relationship. You might even begin to see signs of improvement. But don’t expect too many. It is too soon. Lasting improvements take time to forge.
One more thing: feel free to share with me any of your concerns or experiences with these assignments. I promise to respond to you personally. And, if you consent, I just might talk about them in this forum so that others can benefit from your experiences.