How to Deal with a Moody Child’s Reluctance to Do Chores
We all know that parenting children is one of life’s greatest joys and challenges. Trying to transform these young skulls of mush into happy and productive adults isn’t as easy as it seems. In our families, like in other team situations we are a part of, we are often confronted with situations that require us to step back and see a situation from all sides. This article will examine a common problem in many households: how to persuade a child to do chores.
Case Study: Eric
Eric is very friendly and personable. He is happiest spending time with friends and family. His parents have noticed that he seems more emotional than his brothers and sisters. He becomes upset or concerned when even the smallest arguments crop up and works hard to keep the peace between his parents, siblings, and friends. At school, he works best in situations where teamwork and cooperation are important. Although he enjoys games and sports, he is not very competitive. In fact, his parents and teachers have noticed that when the level of competition reaches a certain limit, he has a tendency to remove himself from the situation. In all situations, he works hard to do what is expected by his friends, family, and teachers.
There is much more to Eric than can be shared in this short description, but the general patterns of behavior described here can help us choose the correct temperament tools to help Eric stay in-esteem with his family.
Taking Measure of His Behavioral Patterns
The first step in building a firm foundation is to determine a pattern of regular behavior. In other words, we need to discover the primary temperament style of the child (or adult) in question. In our example above, Eric’s pattern of behaviors indicates he has a tendency toward behaviors that are primarily within the Blue temperament.
- friendly and personable
- happiest with friends and family
- emotional
- avoids conflict
- keeps the peace
- prefers cooperative situations
- participates in groups
- avoids competition
- adapts to please/meet expectations
Armed with that knowledge, family members can begin to utilize their understanding of the temperament styles to not only communicate effectively, but to build plans of action that are in line with the way the child (or adult) works with the world around him or her.
Creating a Blueprint for Action
Let’s continue to use Eric as an example. The goal is for Eric stay in-esteem with his family without causing undue stress. In other words, we want to celebrate his strengths while developing his ability to work in the other temperament areas.
Because Eric works in a primarily emotional realm, it is important that he is given time, love, and attention by those around him. This doesn’t necessarily mean lavish displays of affection. Listening to him as he shares his thoughts and feelings is a subtle and effective way to show love and appreciation.
Any plan whose goal is building esteem in Eric must include empathy and respect. For example, he needs to know that it’s OK if he participates “just for fun” rather than to win. He needs to know that promises will be honored and expectations won’t shift at random. For Eric, these pieces are indicators of empathy and respect and are vital for building and maintaining esteem.
When conflict occurs, keep in mind that Blues tend to have trouble separating what they do from who they are. Therefore, it is important to clearly separate the behavior that caused the conflict from the individuals involved. Conflict is problem that needs a solution — and the sooner the better. Good strategies include talking calmly about the situation, reviewing expectations, validating feelings, and working together toward a common solution.
Returning to the Drawing Board
Sometimes even the best-laid plans go awry. When that happens, here are some tips for dealing with an upset or uncooperative Blue:
- Treat them with respect; respect them as an individual
- Show concern
- Show empathy
- Listen to their side of the story/issue
- Focus on the behavior
- Discuss the impact of the behavior/issue on others
An exchange might go something like this:
-
John: Eric! Odie needs to go for a walk and it’s your turn to take him. - Eric: Can’t you do it for me? I’m on the phone with Sam figuring out what we’re going to do Friday.
- John: No. I’ve walked him the last 3 days. You aren’t the only one with things to do.
- Eric: Just one more night … I promise.
- John (getting aggravated): You know what, Eric? I’ve had it. You need to hang up the phone and do your chores just like the rest of us.
- Eric (getting upset): What’s your problem? I just asked a favor.
- Dad: Guys … what’s going on? Eric, tell whoever you are talking to that you will call back.
- Eric (mildly upset): John’s getting upset with me because I asked him to walk the dog for me tonight. I was on the phone and needed to get these plans taken care of. I don’t understand the big deal.
- John (mildly aggravated): Dad, I have walked Odie for him the last 3 days so that he could hang out with his friends. I have friends too.
- Dad: Eric, when you don’t do your job, do you understand what that means for the rest of us? How would you feel if you had to do John’s jobs for a week while he talked on the phone and went out with his friends?
- Eric: That wouldn’t be fair. I can see why John’s upset. I would be too. John, would it be OK if I finished the call and then walked the dog?
- John: How long will you be? Odie is getting hyper.
- Eric: 10 minutes at the most.
- John: I guess that’s OK.
- Dad: Do we agree that this is taken care of?
- John and Eric: Yeah.
This example may be a bit simplistic, but the basics remain. Empathy, respect, and appreciation are the tricks of the trade with your Blue family members.