How to Improve Communication and Reduce Conflict in Your Family
When it comes to avoiding and resolving conflict, how effectively families communicate (both at times of peace and pressure) ultimately makes the difference in the strength and longevity of our families and our relationships.
Building effective communication skills in our families starts with discovering the different temperaments that are involved. Your family may include a member who dislikes small talk and another who wants to talk everything out to its end. You may have a family member who is always in motion, moving from one unfinished task to another, while another needs to finish one task before moving on to the next on the list. Unless members with these opposite temperaments understand and respect each other, coming to solution may be just as much of a conflict as the issue itself.
The key lies in listening to each person from his or her own point-of-view. Each person brings to the table both a position on the issue at hand and a personal perception of the communication process. Understanding that these are sometimes mutually exclusive will help you break them into two distinct pieces in order to deal with them effectively.
Before tackling the issues, it may be helpful to do a reality check on your own point-of-view (as well as the points-of-view of other family members). Are you behaving in a manner inconsistent with your temperament? Are other family members? In times of conflict, out of esteem behaviors are common. Recognizing this will help identify the “people issues” involved in the larger problem at hand.
Try these temperament tips for more effective communication:
Blue Family Members
- Be sincere and respectful even in disagreement
- Show concern for their feelings
- Listen intently to their side of the story/issue
- Focus on the behavior or issue rather than the person
- Avoid yelling, criticism, and/or appearing indifferent
Gold Family Members
- State the issue/problem clearly
- Stay focused on the issue at hand
- Be consistent and fair
- Be organized and stay within boundaries of rules and/or expectations
- Point out and appreciate strengths
Green Family Members
- Remain logical and unemotional
- Focus on facts of issue/problem
- Allow them time to think through a solution
- Allow them to help develop creative solutions; avoid forcing compliance
- Avoid sarcasm
Orange Family Members
- Keep tension to a minimum
- State issue/problem in a straightforward manner
- Allow for negotiation and choice
- Keep it light; use humor and jokes
- Avoid becoming competitive or argumentative
Once all family members feel heard, understood, and respected for who they are, the resolution process can get to the issue(s) at hand. The lines of communication, once opened, are more easily maintained. Robert Frost once said, “Families break up when people take hints you don’t intend and miss hints you do intend.” When resolving conflict within families, be sure that your “hints” get heard!