How to Get a Tangential-Thinking Teenager to Clean Up a Shared Bedroom
If you’ve ever had the opportunity to be a teenager, or parent a teenager, or live with a teenager, you know that many of them (the majority in fact) tend to have bedrooms that are, shall we say, a drink-spilling, pizza-dropping, wanton chaos? Messy rooms are one of the chief complains of Gold parents and roommates. So what can you do about it? How do you persuade someone to clean up a bedroom?
Case Study: Soraya
Soraya is a teenager in a family of three children and two parents. She is highly inventive and curious about the world around her. She is quick to think of solutions no one else has thought of before. Much of her time is spent reading and learning and she sometimes seems to forget other people are around. Soraya’s family has noticed that, although Soraya likes to start projects, she abandons them quickly in favor of working on an even newer idea. Her room is somewhat cluttered. This causes stress between she and her sister Alaia, who must share the room. At school and at home, Soraya tends to go off on tangents to whatever is being said and done. She also tends to question everyone and everything, even if it gets her into trouble.
There is much more to Soraya than can be shared in this short description, but the general patterns of behavior described here can help us choose the correct temperament tools to help Soraya stay in-esteem with her family.
Taking Measure of Her Behavioral Patterns
The first step in building a firm foundation is to determine a pattern of regular behavior. In other words, we need to discover the primary temperament style of the person in question. In our example above, Soraya’s pattern of behaviors indicates she has a tendency toward behaviors that are primarily within the Green temperament.
- inventive and curious
- innovative
- values learning and reading
- likes to be alone
- starts projects but doesn’t finish them
- cluttered room/space; organized chaos
- tangential thinking
- questions authority
- questions logic and reasoning
- push to improve/excel
Armed with that knowledge, family members can begin to utilize their understanding of the temperament styles to not only communicate effectively, but to build plans of action that are in line with the way the person works with the world around him or her.
Creating a Blueprint for Action
Let’s continue to use Soraya as an example. The goal is for Soraya to stay in-esteem with her family without causing undue stress. In other words, we want to celebrate her strengths while developing her ability to work in the other temperament areas.
One way to do this is to allow Soraya the freedom experiment and learn. She needs to be exposed to many ideas and topics so that her mind remains active. The topics do not necessarily need to be academic — there are some amazing components to daily chores and tasks. For example, allowing Soraya to discover the properties of soap while doing the dishes gets the dishes done and allows her to experiment with new ideas. It’s all in the perception of the task. Please note that there is no implication that Soraya not be expected to pull her weight in the realm of family chores.
Also needed in this plan is a firm understanding of Soraya’s need to learn and question. Her family (and teachers) needs to decipher which questions are disrespectful or disobedient and which are simply a plea for more explanation. Soraya’s thought process is focused on logic and curiosity. Providing a proactive rather then reactive rationale for requests and decisions will reduce conflict, especially if it goes beyond “because I asked you to.”
If conflict occurs, such as the frustration between Soraya and her sister, an attempt at reducing the emotion and stress will go a long way in helping Soraya see the need for some behavior change. Short, straightforward, and logical conversations where all sides can make their point are helpful in moving forward positive behavioral changes.
Returning to the Drawing Board
Sometimes even the best-laid plans go awry. When that happens, there are some tips for dealing with an upset or uncooperative Green.
- show respect for both the person and his or her ideas
- remain cool, calm, and collected
- use logical reasoning
- involve them in solutions
- recognize the merits of their perspective
- focus on the specific problem behavior
- reinforce his or her strengths; competence is key
An exchange might go something like this:
- Dad: Soraya, we have asked you several times to pick up the mess in your room.
- Soraya: But my room isn’t messy. I know exactly where everything is.
- Dad: Soraya, I know that you have a reason for keeping your things the way you do, but you are not the only one that needs to live in that room.
- Soraya (a tad exasperated): Dad, I am on my way to Grant’s house so we can work on the model we are building. I can do it when I get home.
- Dad (remaining calm): You seem to have a lot to do. Something is going to have to wait for later. Mom and I need you to get a start on that room. Grant will have to wait.
- Soraya (still exasperated): Dad, I can get it all done. I don’t understand why it is so important that I do it right now. My room isn’t going anywhere and Alaia doesn’t seem all that upset about it.
- Dad (remaining calm, no sarcasm): I see your point, however, this is something that needs to be done right now. Alaia shouldn’t have to get upset before you act and you have a very busy week coming up. The room has to be done. Any ideas?
- Soraya (thinking): Well, would it be okay with you if I worked on it for 30 minutes today and then 30 minutes right after school tomorrow. I could start with the stuff that bothers Alaia the most. If I did that, I would be able to have it done in two days.
- Dad (thinking): That sounds like a plan. Come see me before you go to Grant’s so that I know how much you have done.
- Soraya: Okay. See you in 30 minutes!
This example may be a bit simplistic, but the basics remain. Calm, cool, collected, and competent (logical) are the tricks of the trade with your Green family members!