How to Teach Responsibility to a Disruptive, Impulsive, Fun-Loving Child
In our families, like in other team situations we are a part of, we are confronted with situations that require us to step back and see a situation as a whole, from all sides, and from each angle. What tools do you have packed in your temperament toolbox for dealing with those times?
Case Study: Jim
Jim is a fun-loving, independent child. He is competitive, almost always part of the action, and is often the exact center of attention. When it comes to cleaning his room and finishing his homework, Jim has a horrible time sitting still and is easily distracted. He also doesn’t seem to care about begin scolded or the consequences of his actions. His gregarious antics bring a great deal of joy to his family, but, at times, his parents get frustrated with his impulsiveness and independent behaviors.
Jim is a fun-loving, gregarious, and independent child who doesn't like to listen to nagging, parental advice.
There is much more to Jim than can possibly be shared in this short description, but the general patterns of behavior described here can help us choose the correct temperament tools to maintain Jim’s status as a valuable, rather than disruptive, family (team) member.
Identify Jim’s Primary Temperament
The first step in building a firm foundation is to determine a pattern of regular behavior. In other words, discover the primary temperament of the child (or adult) in question. In our example above, Jim’s pattern of behaviors indicates he has a tendency toward behaviors that are primarily within the Orange temperament.
- Fun-loving and gregarious
- Independent
- Enjoys being the center of attention
- Above average physical activity
- Competitive nature
- Difficulty sitting still
- Easily distracted
- Impulsive
- Unconcerned with rules and consequences
- Everyday tasks left undone
Armed with that knowledge, family members can begin to utilize their understanding of the temperament styles to not only communicate effectively, but to build plans of action that are in line with the way the child (or adult) works with the world around him or her.
Make a Plan of Action
Let’s continue to use Jim as an example. In this case, the goal is for Jim to become and stay a productive member of the family team without causing undue stress to the rest of the family. In other words, we want to celebrate his strengths while developing his ability to work in the other temperament areas.
To do this, we must first truly celebrate Jim’s strengths by allowing him to take responsibility for tasks that utilize them. Providing him the basic instructions and expectations and then allowing him to complete the task of his own accord will provide the freedom that he desires and increase esteem. When you set the expectations, be clear and concise and then get out of the way as much as is possible. As always, be certain to immediately recognize a job well done, especially if the task is not one that is horribly exciting!
For example, when chores need to be done, consider Jim for those that require action and movement — preferably outside. If that’s not a possibility, consider providing 2 or 3 appropriate options and allowing him to choose the one he would most prefer doing. Mixing the available tasks each week will keep chores fresh and will allow you to provide opportunities to learn new skills/tasks.
Demonstrate the Following Behaviors
Sometimes even the best-laid plans go awry. When that happens, there are some tips for dealing with an upset or uncooperative Orange.
- Remain calm, cool, and collected; attempt to decrease the level of tension and competition.
- Be straightforward and specific; don’t leave room for interpretation.
- Deal with what has just happened rather than past events; stay with the issue at hand.
- Allow room for negotiation, choices, and alternatives.
- Move to private area away from friends, family, and the general public.
What It Might Sound Like
An exchange might go something like this:
- Mom: Jim, I asked you to complete 5 math problems from your homework before dinner. They aren’t done.
- Jim: Mom, you know that I had to feed the dog and put away the baseball equipment we were playing with.
- Mom (calm tone – without sarcasm): Yes, that’s true. You had a full hour to do that before you needed to start your homework. We will be eating in 20 minutes. You need to get to work.
- Jim (getting upset): I’ll do it later mom, I need to go call Pete.
- Mom (remaining calm): Jim, you may do the 5 problems now and call Pete after dinner, or you may call Pete now and do your math during your TV show later.
- Jim (upset): Mom, I HAVE to call Pete! What if I call Pete now, do 2 problems before dinner, and finish the rest right after dinner BEFORE it’s time for my show.
- Mom: OK, that’s a deal. However, no TV until I have checked the math to make sure that it’s done and correct.
- Jim: Deal.
This example may be a bit simplistic, but the basics remain. Clear, concise, current, and consistent are the tricks of the trade with your Orange family members!